Well, today, here it is, the dreaded one day of the year when I voluntarily eat no food. To add insult to injury, I have to take laxatives in the afternoon so I can spend the next 10-12 hours blowing out my colon so my doctor can have a little peek-a-boo in the darkest of my dark places tomorrow morning.
I hate this, I honestly and truly hate this procedure. Well, not the procedure but the prep the night before. I just hate it. How much do I hate it? About three months before my yearly
lookie-see I begin to dread that little letter that will come in the mail from Dr.
Rechner. I keep hoping that her staff will forget me or the mailman will be sick that day or my mailbox will blow away (fat chance that will happen, it's built into my door). They don't and it doesn't and the letter arrives. I open it with one eye closed thinking that maybe it was meant for someone else...but it's not. It has my name on it...sigh.
OK, I still have some time, I tell myself and do the best I can to not think about what is gonna happen...colon blow to the max! No food (other than delightful liquids and things that used to be liquids), drinking icky-
poopie tasting laxative-laden Gatorade, no sleep
cuz I'm sitting on the toilet until five in the morning and then, no water the following day until after that little camera makes it all the way up to my tonsils snapping
pictures a mile a minute and taking samples of my dark interior - a little like mining for precious minerals at the center of the earth - or, possibly coal mining, I can't decide☺
About a week before my happy day, I get really crabby. Crabby about each and every thing that crosses my path. There is nothing that can make me smile because in the back of my mind I know what is looming in my future and I HATE IT. I HONESTLY AND TRULY AND 100% HATE IT. I don't like depriving myself of food. I don't like drinking what should be flushed down the toilet so I can produce what is flushed down the toilet. I don't like not having anything to drink in the morning after I brush my teeth. I don't like being thirsty! I HATE EACH AND EVERY LITTLE NUANCE ABOUT THIS PROCEDURE!
This morning the big prep day is here and I can't avoid it. I'll drink that crap (sorry about the pun) and I'll spend all evening and night and part of tomorrow morning blowing out each and every little teeny, tiny speck of anything that went into my system since I was cuddled in my mother's womb. Tomorrow morning I'll brush my teeth (don't swallow any water or the goblins will get me) and I'll march into the hospital for my annual
poopie-
roto-rooter.
After it's all over, I'll wake up in my room and will ask for applesauce and a diet Coke - the same request every year. And then, well, and then I'll settle back and smile. I'll know that I did one of the most important things a person can do for their health and their life and for their family.
I get my yearly mammogram like clockwork and now I am of the age where the "
lookie see" is on my agenda, too. Do I like both of these procedures? Heck NO. Do I have them done? Heck YES! I do them so I will live long enough to watch my
grandchildren graduate from high school, so I can dance at their weddings, so I don't have to lay in a hospital bed with my children watching me die a miserable death...all because I was too chicken or too lazy to do what was necessary to avoid two of the most treatable cancers - if caught early - and that's the key, folks - IF CAUGHT EARLY.
So, if you've been putting off your yearly
boobie squash or don't want to blow out your colon so a camera can take a photo where the sun doesn't shine, GET UP FROM YOUR COMPUTER AND CALL YOUR DOCTOR. The life you save WILL be your own!